Sunday, January 9, 2011

A Slump

I have been in a slump lately.
A spiritual slump.
A fitness slump.
A marriage slump.

For a few months now, I have felt like I should feel closer to God. I should crave it more. I should attend church more, participate more. I should have a better, more righteous attitude and outlook on life. I should want to read my Bible more. I should work harder to make my quiet time in the mornings a reality again. I don't pray enough, I just feel disconnected. I don't know what it is or why. Is it just the devil rearing his ugly head? I know I think about it all the time. Is that the purpose? Am I supposed to understand something that will only come to me through a lot of thought? I hope it passes, I don't like it.

I feel like J and I have been in a slump. We have different ideas about some things. Pretty big life things. I don't like the way he thinks; he doesn't like the way  I think. We've been married a long, long time, but it seems some things don't change like I want them too. I wish I felt like he prayed about things concerning us, concerning our family. He is so busy with work and all the things he is interested in. I just wish I felt we were working for the same goal at the end. I think we are headed in the same direction, just maybe we have different ideas about the work involved in getting there. We are at the precipice of another breeding season. So he is about to disappear for months and months. When he is here, he is so tired he just wants to veg out and watch TV or he falls asleep in his chair. He drops out of our life. I play the roles of both mama and daddy. I have small hopes of things being a little better since we have several secondary vets this year, but I have done this too many times to hold my breath. I wish he had made some time to do something with me. He spent a lot of time at the farm with Jack. He took Mady to a movie. I don't think the two of us have been out for a meal alone in a year. I hate it being like this. Maybe if I could take care of my spiritual slump, I could pray away this problem.

I have also been in an exercise slump. I was doing really well for a long time. I started a few days after Christmas 2009. I didn't try to lose weight, I just wanted to be in better shape. And I was in better shape. My body was stronger. I felt better. I did really well, with few breaks until Thanksgiving 2010. At that time I just got so busy that I didn't make time for it. It is so hard, there are so many other things pulling at our time as mothers and wives and homemakers. We don't feel we should take 30 minutes or an hour for us. I vow to do better. I have to. I have too many health risks to not do what I can to help myself.

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